Love is Watching Someone Die
by Oirowin
Summary: The hardest thing is letting go. Warnings: Abusive realationship, minor language


_It wasn't always this way. In the beginning, things were good. He loved me once, I swear he did. I don't know what I did to change that, what I did to stop him. I miss the way his hand used to run through my hair before he kissed me. _

Remus pressed against the bruise on his neck.

_I think sometimes I know it really isn't my fault, but I keep going back to everything it could be. And then I convince myself I can change, that I can bring the sparkle in his eyes back. _

He shoved the butt of his hand under his eyes, striking away the tears. He was so used to the sting. It was a comfort only because it was familiar.

_I don't deserve him. He should be happy and I can't do that anymore. I haven't seen him smile in months, and I love his smile. It brings back our school days. We've changed so much since then. _

"Remus!"

He jumped and automatically straightened, locking the rest of his tears away for another time.

"We have to go!"

Standing for the first time in hours, Remus' knees crackled into place and he staggered to the door, regaining the feeling in his legs.

"You're not wearing that ragged thing, put this on."

Remus barely caught the robe Sirius flung at him and immediately donned it.

"Let's go."

Sirius was thin and pale, his boyish face was fading quicker than time could steal it. Remus still found a resemblance every so often, but it was hard in a time like this. No one was truly happy.

He offered his hand. A gentle contact. Remus took it and felt his heart grow hopeful that maybe he was wrong.

"They've picked a different place to meet tonight, it'll be easier if we do side-by-side instead of me trying to explain it."

Remus nodded in agreement. His hope stayed behind as Sirius pulled him towards their destination. The Order was waiting.

Severus watched from the shadows as they all appeared. His house was growing warmer with each body that popped into it. The Order members welcomed each other warmly even though there was a clear sense of sadness written on their faces.

"Who decided this was a good place to meet, Minerva? Do we really trust him enough to stuff everyone in his house?"

Severus heard many whispers like that. He enjoyed the constant guessing game they all played with him. Another arrival caught his attention.

"Good to see you Sirius, Remus," Minerva gave the pair strong hugs.

Severus couldn't deny that Remus looked thinner than last month, his face seemed to have lost its color and a fresh bruise decorated his neck. It was still another week until the full moon.

Severus watched the pair throughout the meeting, how Sirius sat on the arm of the couch, forcing Remus to squeeze onto the cushion below. It was clear neither of them was happy, yet they seemed to keep up the charade just for show. It was wearing thin.

"My thanks goes out to Severus for giving us the use of his home," Minerva finished. "Especially after the attack at Moody's place."

Severus smiled at the lack of thanks from anyone else. He watched Sirius pull Remus from the couch and head towards the door.

"Remus!" He didn't know why he was calling his name.

"Severus?"

He was startled by the look in Sirius eyes. "How are you doing, old friend?"

"Oh please, Snape, you'd rather have your limbs removed than make pleasantries with 'old friends'," Sirius said.

Severus knew he was right. "It's fair for old schoolmates to talk, Black."

"Not if one of them is you."

"Sirius, please." Remus looked at his feet, bending his neck to where his hair fell away from it.

Severus put his hand on Remus' shoulder before Sirius could pull him away. "Are you getting enough Wolfsbane potion?"

Remus nodded and turned to follow his partner, Severus made sure to brush his hand across his as he left. Remus hoped he had seen the message in his eyes.

Severus was hard pressed to get to sleep, he had plenty to do tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. But sleep would not come. He stared at the ceiling hoping to understand something in the pattern. His eyes closed and saw only black and blue. The bruise on Remus' neck was intentional. He wanted Severus to see it.

Severus turned over; hoping to wash out the image, but the moon seared it in his mind. He wouldn't sleep until Remus was away from Black. And how he would love to do it.

It was difficult to find Remus alone, Sirius constantly held him close. They were all in his house again, gossiping and panicking about so-and-so who was killed last week. Severus watched them closely.

"Sirius, can I talk to you for a moment?" Minerva leaned gently over the back of the couch.

Sirius looked at Remus with strong eyes before rising to follow her. Severus took his place.

"What is he doing to you?"

"Who?"

"The man you're living with. The one who gave you that bruise, the one who carries you around like a dead rodent. Your friend."

"He's giving me a place to stay."

"Why?"

"He loves me."

Severus held back his gag reflex. "He loves himself."

"When we're together, I'm a part of him."

"Remus don't be stupid," Severus said. "He is hurting you. He is causing you pain. That is not love."

"I make him angry, it's my fault."

"It's your fault he hits you? It's your fault you sleep alone? It's your fault he never kisses you anymore?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Remus," Severus was scared. "You can't keep making excuses for him. He will never stop. There are people in this world who will love you without pain."

"You are not the person to be talking about love. You've never loved anyone."

Severus clamped his mouth shut before something slipped out. "You're right. But I have hurt people. I know what that looks like."

"Snape."

Severus stood up. "Evening Black, I was just giving Remus some pointers on covering up those bruises of his."

Sirius straightened. "It's a tough life he lives."

"So it seems."

"We've got things to do, so if this nice little chat is over." He looked to Remus for confirmation. "I think we'll be heading out."

Remus followed him out the front door, forcing himself not to look back. Severus was wrong. He was sure Sirius loved him and would love him forever.

_I don't deserve him. I'm the reason he hits me, it's not his fault. I'm not doing a good job of loving him and he deserves to be loved. I should be able to make him smile, I must be doing something wrong. He misses James. I could never live up to him. He misses him so much. _

"Remus."

"Sorry." He ran to catch up with him after arriving back to their house. 

"What did Severus tell you?"

Remus was startled by his tone. "He wasn't telling me anything."

"Don't lie to me!"

Remus cowered away from his voice.

"Get in the house."

Sirius shoved him through the doorway and slammed it shut behind him. "What has he been poking his oversized nose into, Remus?"

"Nothing," he could feel the tears being to well up. "He's just being silly. Worrying about the scratches the bruises from the full moon."

"Don't lie to me!"

Remus was forced to the ground by Sirius' fist. "It's nothing, Sirius. He was just trying to start trouble."

"What'd you tell him?"

"I told him I loved you."

Sirius kicked Remus like a dog. "And what he say?"

Remus took a moment to regain his voice. "He said I shouldn't."

"Shouldn't what?" His voice got deeper as it went louder.

"Love you."

Sirius knelt next to Remus and slapped him hard across the cheek. It became red instantly. "Do you love me?"

"Yes."

Sirius hit him again. "Do you love me?"

"Yes!"

Sirius held his head in his hands, forcing Remus to look at him. "I don't want you to talk to him again. Ever again."

Remus didn't move until he heard Sirius' feet moving across the bedroom floor above him. He still felt the sting on his cheek as he wiped away the wet streaks that ran down his face.

_I'm too weak for him. _

Order members moved in and out of Severus' house on a regular basis, his door was always open. It was nerve wracking and caused a knot of anxiety to form and grow in his stomach. Dumbledore knew he was asking a lot of him, but Severus was willing to do whatever it took. He had lost someone and refused to stop until her death was avenged.

"We're going to move headquarters tomorrow."

"Good," he said. "I can't take the anxiety of having these people in my house all the time."

"You've done well Severus," Dumbledore smiled. "In a time like this, you have proven yourself."

"Thank you, sir."

Remus walked in behind Sirius, eye slightly swollen, lip split. Severus felt his knot contract; he had no choice but to confront Sirius right here, right now. Before Minerva started talking, Severus pulled them into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

"So you've started on your friends now, Black? Does it make you feel like a man when you push him around? Is that how low you have sunk?"

"Don't start with me, Snape."

"You're killing him! Is that what you want? He tells me you love him," Severus tried to control his voice. "What happened?"

"I am the lowest I've ever been. Do you know how that feels, Severus? I have no hope."

"It's been 5 years since Prince Potter was killed, Sirius. You'd think you'd have gotten to a point where you didn't have to pull other people's strings just to make your own pain go away."

"Do you know how hard it is living with that pain!? It's completely my fault he's gone. You have no idea what it's like to know your best friend is dead because of you. If I wasn't so scared and backed out at the last second. If I had been brave enough to die for him, maybe he'd still be alive."

"There was nothing you could have done."

"People have been telling me the same things over and over! You aren't going to be the one to change my mind."

"You need to listen. You need to look at what you're doing to yourself and everyone around you."

Sirius clenched his mouth shut and Severus felt victorious.

"Remus loves you, despite what everyone has told him. You need to start loving him back or let him go. He should have never been your punching bag in the first place."

"You have no right to talk about things you don't know."

"Everyone knows, Sirius. It's plain and clear, black and blue."

Before Severus could defend himself, Sirius was lunging. His back hit the nearest wall with a crack and his head quickly followed. He slumped against it, Sirius the only thing holding him up.

"Black and blue, huh? Maybe I can add a little color to your face, Snivillus."

"Don't do this."

Sirius slammed him back again. "Don't lecture me, Snape. You have no right."

"I lost someone too, you know."

Severus' feet were lifted from the ground. "Don't pretend you loved her." Sirius released him, watching him regain his footing. "Don't pretend you know how I feel."

Severus rubbed his chest where he would surely bruise by the morning. A strong welt was already protruding from the back of his head. "If I find another mark on his body, I will personally see to it that you are found and killed," he hissed.

"I'd like to see you try."

"Every action in this world bears a consequence, Black. I'll make sure your's is no exception."

They held each other's gaze before Sirius left with a small pop of air.

"Remus?" Severus offered his hand into the shadow behind his dresser. "It's okay. He's gone."

"You shouldn't have done that."

"He would have killed you. I don't care how much you may have thought I hated you in school, but no one deserves that."

"I can't go back now," he moved into the light. "Do you realize that?"

"Yes." Severus was relieved. "You should have never gone back after the first time." He, again, offered his hand.

Remus took it and eased himself to his feet. A sharp pain spiked in his side. It was where Sirius had kicked him before.

"Let me see." Severus lifted his shirt and gently touched the massive mark. Remus clenched his teeth and hissed.

"This is ridiculous, Remus. What the fuck were you thinking every time you went back with him?"

Remus looked even paler in the darkness. "I thought it would be the last time."

"I thought you were smarter than that."

The pair stood in silence, shadowed by the darkness. The unspoken words caused Remus to cry, his revelation bringing peace to Severus, if only for a moment.

"You can stay here." Severus stepped close enough to brush the hair out of Remus' eyes. "The bed's all yours."

"Thank you."

Severus left Remus alone, securely closing the door behind him. As long as Remus was in his house, he would keep him safe.

Severus found it difficult to leave Remus alone for long periods of time. He was afraid Sirius would come looking for him or Remus would fall back into his old ways and try to crawl back into his arms. He put up as many protections as he could while he was forced to be away. Remus mostly stayed in the bedroom with the windows blocked up. Some nights Severus woke up to distant sobs but was too scared to go and comfort him. When the full moon came, he made sure to give him a strong batch of Wolfsbane, allowing him to stay inside and safe. Severus knew he shouldn't have gotten attached.

"Remus?" He knocked softly. "Are you awake?"

Severus opened the door despite the lack of reply. He saw him bunched up under the covers, small enough to be a child.

"Remus?"

He put the plate of food on the dresser before sitting on the edge of his bed. Severus pulled the covers away from his face and brushed the few strands of hair from his cheek. The bruises had almost faded from his face and neck. The cut on his lip was hardly visible. Severus rocked his shoulder in hopes of waking him.

"Remus?"

Lazy eyes blinked once, twice, before slowly opening. It took him a moment to focus on Severus' face, "Severus?" His voice was raw and unused.

"How are you feeling?"

"Numb."

"Can you sit up? Maybe eat something. It's been a while."

Remus allowed himself to be sat up but he only looked at the sandwich, moving it a little around the plate. "I keep having dreams."

"You're safe here."

"He's not after me. He always goes towards you and I sit in the corner and watch him hurt you like he hurt me and I never do anything. I just sit there. I tried to scream last night but nothing came out. I always feel so bad when he hits you."

"Remus, nothing's going to happen to me." Severus put his hand on top of his. "You should eat a little."

Remus nodded. "Thanks."

"I don't think I'm going to be home before dark tonight."

"I'll be okay."

"I know."

Severus locked the door once he was out. The living room was bright compared to the bedroom, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust. Severus knew he shouldn't have gotten attached. The hardest thing would be letting go.

The next morning, when it was still dark outside, Severus arrived back home to the same shadow that always haunted his door.

"Get out of my way."

"Let me see him."

"Over my dead body."

"I miss him."

"Bull shit."

"He loves me."

"And you hit him."

"Goddamn it, Snape!" Sirius shoved Severus against the brick wall, hand closed around his neck. "I loved him!"

"You loved the idea of loving him."

"No." Sirius released him. "No, I never loved Remus."

Severus held his comments.

"It was always James."

"Get off my property."

Sirius staggered backwards. "I miss him so much."

"If I ever see you near my door again, I will not hesitate to end you."

"He's all I have left."

"No," Severus said. "You don't have him anymore. You are alone." Severus waited until Sirius evaporated before unlocking his door. To his surprise, Remus was waiting for him, cowering behind the window.

"I loved him."

"Remus," Severus knelt next to him, awkwardly caressing his shaking frame. "Remus, I'm so sorry."

"I loved him! All this time."

Severus felt himself dissolving, "You'll never get over it, but you have to try." He felt the first tears slip down his cheeks in five years. "You have to try, Remus."


End file.
